FRIENDS

          ‘I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, and don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff. – John Katz’

          Actually I’m writing this to express my devastating feelings towards my own best friend I don’t even know whether she is still my best friend. I know probably for other people it’s a small thing but I’ve kept this for a very long time already until that night I burst out without even thinking twice at 3.30 in the morning. With no one that I can really talk to and in the end I called someone unexpected because he is the only friend that is still up during that time. I cried out loud and I feel like I just broke up with someone or what. The story is actually like this. At first I don’t really realize it until one of my roommate asked me during my birthday whether my close friends will do anything for my birthday. Since I don’t know whether or not they had plan something for me all I can do is to look at my roommate because I myself don’t know. In the end she told me this “Sorry no offense but don’t you think that your friends are taking you for granted?” I was shocked. That sentence is still playing and lingering on my mind and I can’t get rid of it no matter what.

          So after that I was taken aback by my roommate statement and I started thinking did they think of anything because last year there was no birthday celebration with them as well. I decided to call my best friend a week later because it seems like I didn’t had the chance to celebrate with her. I called and asked how’s she’s doing but the answer I get was “Dude you’re always calling me at the wrong time and what you’re boring so now you’re looking for me?” How does it make you feel when you’re the one who is always making the effort looking for your best friend is treating you like you’re a nuisance and such. It’s pretty devastating. On the 18 days in December, I found out that they are celebrating a close friend of mine’s birthday. I was really shocked because there was no effort in celebrating mine for two years straight. It’s not like a big deal but your own best friend didn’t even bother on having a day for you to celebrate your own birthday? What kind of feeling is that? Don’t you get sad? I’m trying my best to not making a big deal out of it. But this is too much when I just got back from somewhere and apparently all the gang goes at the same place too. I was checking out on them and asking them what’s their plan and so on but the only one who is always checking me out every time is A. A helps me a lot in going through all these shitty feelings of mine and it seems like she’s the only one in the gang that understands me the most now because last time she got treated the same way which was being taken for granted by the same gang. I feel bad because I’m the one who is taking her for granted last time. I was really sinful and I don’t want to be that kind of high school bitch anymore. Enough is enough no more dramas. I really had enough. I thought the most problematic one was my other friend it turned out that my own best friend is the one who getting even more problematic. I’ve decided I’m going to stay out from her life since she has her boyfriend around. No I’m not jealous. Her boyfriend is a very nice dude but it seems like ever since she is with him, she always tend to forget everything even me. Whenever I asked her to go out she always says no and such.

          When it comes to her boyfriend she even sacrifices her classes and money to go fly to meet her boyfriend for only one day. I swear she’s getting out of hand now. I just don’t want to say anything now I won’t look for her anymore. I know someday she will look for me when she only needs me. For now she doesn’t need me what for she wants to contact me. I’m useless for her now. I’ve decided to give up on her. I don’t know maybe some best friend need a time out for themselves because like my roommate says everyone has their own life now. I don’t want to involve in anymore of her scheme and there will be no more through thick or thin together with her. Hope that she realize she’s losing her best friend slowly. I don’t even know whether she still cherish me or even remember what had I’ve risked for her through her life.

          Maybe for her I’m a bad influence maybe. There’s a lot of shitty stuffs had happened during our friendship that includes our own family members as well. Not to worry I won’t make a big deal out of this thing. I’m done trying and I just want to have a normal life without even being drag to anymore drama. I’m going to run freely and be ignorant towards everything that does not give me any profit. Yes I’m only going to stick around with the person who sticks around me and appreciates my existence even though I’m not there in front of their eyes. I just hope that when I get myself a companion I will never ever forgets my friend who are always there to support and checking up on me. The ones who knows directly when I need them to talk out my feelings because sometimes it’s pretty hard on finding someone who can understands my feelings apparently me myself can’t even understand my own feelings. That is why now I really cherish every single memory that I’m having now with my friends that are making all the effort of building good memories with me.

Somehow I wish I was dead and disappear from everyone because I feel so pathetic because I feel so unappreciated. I don't know why am I being so overly sensitive over everything and yes I feel like crying. I do wish that someone can understand me but I don't think no one will. Because me myself could not even understands why I am being like this. I miss everyone to be exact. I don't even know when I'm going to see everyone. I guess I'm just lonely...