CRUSHED
You’ve poached my heart and make
me yours. The exact sentences that I’ve sent to him
during the night when we are having a romantic conversation. Ever heard of heartbreaks? Major heartbreaks
I must say. All my life I’ve been wanting a perfect first relationship with a
guy that can accept me just the way I am. Apparently I did find someone. That’s
what I thought though. Yes, his initial is A or I should called him Adam here.
Well Adam he is such a sweet guy even though he rarely shows his affections
towards me when we are together. Wait for your information, we are together but
we are not officially together. So basically we are not an exact couple. I must
call it’s a fling. So this Adam dude, he’s a cousin from a close friend of
mine. She’s from the west side of my state. Her name is Helen. Yes another name
for this friend of mine. Okay as you can see the title or this short essay or
short stories or should I called it a diary entry okay whatever it is then.
Crushed is the exact feeling that I want to express to everyone now. Last
Monday I was dumped by Adam right after my finals. Yes how sad it is right? Yes
my holiday starts with a bad kind of opening. I actually saw it coming during
the last paper of mine which was on Sunday. Whereas I’ve realized something was
not right with him and his tweets sounds very different and does not tweet
things like he’ll always do. So I’ve been feeling something was wrong and very
fishy with his tweets.
This
two tweets that he posted when I was in campus and still having my exam. One of
them was “stuck in the middle of…hmmm” and another one is “I don’t know how to
explain it to you” I knew something was wrong after that. I saw it coming but
I’ve pretended and told myself that everything is going to be alright. So last
Monday supposedly Adam promised me to go out and watch a movie together
apparently he couldn’t keep his promise.
I was devastated and disappointed of course. Didn’t get the chance to even see
his face. He told me to wait until finals are over and then promised to go out
and spend a day with me. But yeah it was
all just plain words. No action though. That Monday night I’ve hang out
with some of my friends and Wendy was driving the night. I’ve told him I want
to fetch him and meet him for a few minutes. Not long… But sadly he doesn’t
want to meet up and I was disappointed for the second time in a day.
I
was being sulky too that night and hoping that he will make it up and want to
meet me as well. But I guess it’s just one of my innocent thought. So we had a
fight that night. The fight was on going for three days straight. I thought
it’s just one of the other fights that we used to have before. But this one was
a big one. He posted on his twitter saying that “Please understand me and don’t force me. It doesn’t mean that I want
you to disappear” To be honest and the exact situation was I didn’t force
him. I’ve only asked him to meet up. Not more. I don’t know at which point that
he thinks that I force him to go out with me. The third day of the fight, the
time I was dumped by Adam. Yes he dumped
me at 4 in the morning and says that I deserve a good guy and he want to
end the fling because he’s not ready to be in a relationship. He told me to stay as friends. What the hell.
Friends? Friends? How can I stay as friends after all the I love yous, hugs,
holding hands and kiss on the cheek? Friend? I can’t even say anything back to
him. I was rampaging all over my twitter profile without thinking further ado.
Yes I was wrong too for rampaging him.
It seems like he looks so fine
without the presence of me and it seems like he's having fun with his life
without thinking how huge the impact has gotten into me.
Yes it seems like he doesn't really care about me as much as I care about him.
I should have ended the relationship before finals. So I wouldn't taste the
bitterness of it during this holiday. My holidays basically has been ruined and
I know my result won't be as good as before and literally I'm scared of
everything now and I even scared of having a tiny bit of fun now. I'm scared of
everything now. Giving in and accepting
everything new in my life. It seems like I can't trust anyone now. Another
great wall of trust has been broken badly and another heartbreaks after
another. How am I supposed to handle this kind of situation it’s my first
time to get into such relationship this far. I can't even call it a break up because literally we are nothing we are
not even officially together. How hard it is to tell to other people he
dumped me for good and we are not even together and it is just a fling. I know
people can easily dumped me and stuffs but I thought he's different from the
other guys that I've known before him. I thought he loves me just the way I am.
Here
I am looking so pathetic reminisce everything that is just going to be memories.
Why do I have to care so much about this while he's out there having fun with
his friends and playing games all day without slightly thinking how are you
doing right now? Have you recovered or did he do the right thing? Everyone told
me he's going to regret for doing so but I think the total opposite. He's not
going to regret anything. Why would he regret for dumping a person like me. I'm not a beauty and I'm not even a nice
person too. I'm blunt basically everyone does not really prefer me in some
points too. I guess I can't be like the person that he liked before me for
almost two years and they are still contacting each other too. How am I supposed
to react to that? Even when he's with me he still wants to try to contact the
girl that he used to have feelings to. Even the person that I liked before him
I literally didn't even have any connection anymore with the person why can't he do the same? That shows
that he still totally have feelings for her.
Maybe
I'm not the type of girl that he likes. I'm
not a smartass. I'm not good at maths and basically I'm not a girl who
studies engineering or architecture or even quantity survey that all involves
calculation stuffs. Sorry couldn't teach you anything that involves in your
studies. Sorry I'm not the type of person that you want me to be. Sorry I'm a
person who expressed everything in social networks. Sorry if you think I make
you look bad in front of public for dumping me. Well basically sorry couldn't
meet up to your expectation. I am who I am. I can change maybe slightly a bit
but not the whole lot of me. No I can't.
You told me that you're trying to feel into it. Why can’t you be honest ever
since the first time we have a fling before so I don't have to hurt so badly
like this? After all those memories that we've created together you can
easily dumped me? If I were you I'll be having a hard time to even let go of
you. Like before I asked you to let go
why you have to say you don't want to let me go? Why? See even me myself it’s
hard for me to let go of you that time.
I
only need a definite explanation why
are you being so sudden like this? I know feelings do fade but you can't immediately make decisions that
involve with someone's feelings. No you just don't. I've been having a really
hard time ever since the first day of my holidays. I see it coming but I
pretended that everything is going to be okay it’s just another big fight but I
shouldn't blind myself with it in the first place. Look what happened now? Been crying for 4 days straight without
stop. Every cheer from friends will make me go teary and I look so ugly
with this swollen eyes. I can't even open my eyes properly now. Starting this
new semester I've been planning to stay at the other college rather than the
college that are so near to his college. It
will be hard for me to forget about him completely if I keep on bumping him.
And plus I can't be sure that we can even be friends with each other after all
these things had happened. It will be hard for me after all of this fairy tale that you've put me in. I was too busy
thinking about you and I've gotten lazy because I was too in love with you and
thinking about the future ahead of us. You're leaving me like this makes me feel so undefined and unsure about my
feelings. But nevertheless thanks for all the memories that you've given to
me. I'll cherish that until the end and hope you will get the girl that you
like. And to the girl just treat him right and don't ever cheat on him or give
him false hope again. He's actually worth it. Basically all I want to say is I’m crushed. Unlike the sentences that
I’ve mentioned earlier, I might need to change it slightly. You’ve poached my heart and crushed it into
million pieces. Deep in my heart wants you to regret what you’ve done to me
but part of it want you back and another part of it wants to let go of you in a
good and peaceful way. Hope you’ll enjoy your life after you’ve dumped me for
good Adam. This is my last words for
you, I love you but too bad you’re an arse. Ciao!
