CRUSHED

You’ve poached my heart and make me yours. The exact sentences that I’ve sent to him during the night when we are having a romantic conversation. Ever heard of heartbreaks? Major heartbreaks I must say. All my life I’ve been wanting a perfect first relationship with a guy that can accept me just the way I am. Apparently I did find someone. That’s what I thought though. Yes, his initial is A or I should called him Adam here. Well Adam he is such a sweet guy even though he rarely shows his affections towards me when we are together. Wait for your information, we are together but we are not officially together. So basically we are not an exact couple. I must call it’s a fling. So this Adam dude, he’s a cousin from a close friend of mine. She’s from the west side of my state. Her name is Helen. Yes another name for this friend of mine. Okay as you can see the title or this short essay or short stories or should I called it a diary entry okay whatever it is then. Crushed is the exact feeling that I want to express to everyone now. Last Monday I was dumped by Adam right after my finals. Yes how sad it is right? Yes my holiday starts with a bad kind of opening. I actually saw it coming during the last paper of mine which was on Sunday. Whereas I’ve realized something was not right with him and his tweets sounds very different and does not tweet things like he’ll always do. So I’ve been feeling something was wrong and very fishy with his tweets.

This two tweets that he posted when I was in campus and still having my exam. One of them was “stuck in the middle of…hmmm” and another one is “I don’t know how to explain it to you” I knew something was wrong after that. I saw it coming but I’ve pretended and told myself that everything is going to be alright. So last Monday supposedly Adam promised me to go out and watch a movie together apparently he couldn’t keep his promise. I was devastated and disappointed of course. Didn’t get the chance to even see his face. He told me to wait until finals are over and then promised to go out and spend a day with me. But yeah it was all just plain words. No action though. That Monday night I’ve hang out with some of my friends and Wendy was driving the night. I’ve told him I want to fetch him and meet him for a few minutes. Not long… But sadly he doesn’t want to meet up and I was disappointed for the second time in a day.

I was being sulky too that night and hoping that he will make it up and want to meet me as well. But I guess it’s just one of my innocent thought. So we had a fight that night. The fight was on going for three days straight. I thought it’s just one of the other fights that we used to have before. But this one was a big one. He posted on his twitter saying that “Please understand me and don’t force me. It doesn’t mean that I want you to disappear” To be honest and the exact situation was I didn’t force him. I’ve only asked him to meet up. Not more. I don’t know at which point that he thinks that I force him to go out with me. The third day of the fight, the time I was dumped by Adam. Yes he dumped me at 4 in the morning and says that I deserve a good guy and he want to end the fling because he’s not ready to be in a relationship. He told me to stay as friends. What the hell. Friends? Friends? How can I stay as friends after all the I love yous, hugs, holding hands and kiss on the cheek? Friend? I can’t even say anything back to him. I was rampaging all over my twitter profile without thinking further ado. Yes I was wrong too for rampaging him.

It seems like he looks so fine without the presence of me and it seems like he's having fun with his life without thinking how huge the impact has gotten into me. Yes it seems like he doesn't really care about me as much as I care about him. I should have ended the relationship before finals. So I wouldn't taste the bitterness of it during this holiday. My holidays basically has been ruined and I know my result won't be as good as before and literally I'm scared of everything now and I even scared of having a tiny bit of fun now. I'm scared of everything now. Giving in and accepting everything new in my life. It seems like I can't trust anyone now. Another great wall of trust has been broken badly and another heartbreaks after another. How am I supposed to handle this kind of situation it’s my first time to get into such relationship this far. I can't even call it a break up because literally we are nothing we are not even officially together. How hard it is to tell to other people he dumped me for good and we are not even together and it is just a fling. I know people can easily dumped me and stuffs but I thought he's different from the other guys that I've known before him. I thought he loves me just the way I am.

Here I am looking so pathetic reminisce everything that is just going to be memories. Why do I have to care so much about this while he's out there having fun with his friends and playing games all day without slightly thinking how are you doing right now? Have you recovered or did he do the right thing? Everyone told me he's going to regret for doing so but I think the total opposite. He's not going to regret anything. Why would he regret for dumping a person like me. I'm not a beauty and I'm not even a nice person too. I'm blunt basically everyone does not really prefer me in some points too. I guess I can't be like the person that he liked before me for almost two years and they are still contacting each other too. How am I supposed to react to that? Even when he's with me he still wants to try to contact the girl that he used to have feelings to. Even the person that I liked before him I literally didn't even have any connection anymore with the person why can't he do the same? That shows that he still totally have feelings for her.

Maybe I'm not the type of girl that he likes. I'm not a smartass. I'm not good at maths and basically I'm not a girl who studies engineering or architecture or even quantity survey that all involves calculation stuffs. Sorry couldn't teach you anything that involves in your studies. Sorry I'm not the type of person that you want me to be. Sorry I'm a person who expressed everything in social networks. Sorry if you think I make you look bad in front of public for dumping me. Well basically sorry couldn't meet up to your expectation. I am who I am. I can change maybe slightly a bit but not the whole lot of me. No I can't. You told me that you're trying to feel into it. Why can’t you be honest ever since the first time we have a fling before so I don't have to hurt so badly like this? After all those memories that we've created together you can easily dumped me? If I were you I'll be having a hard time to even let go of you. Like before I asked you to let go why you have to say you don't want to let me go? Why? See even me myself it’s hard for me to let go of you that time.

I only need a definite explanation why are you being so sudden like this? I know feelings do fade but you can't immediately make decisions that involve with someone's feelings. No you just don't. I've been having a really hard time ever since the first day of my holidays. I see it coming but I pretended that everything is going to be okay it’s just another big fight but I shouldn't blind myself with it in the first place. Look what happened now? Been crying for 4 days straight without stop. Every cheer from friends will make me go teary and I look so ugly with this swollen eyes. I can't even open my eyes properly now. Starting this new semester I've been planning to stay at the other college rather than the college that are so near to his college. It will be hard for me to forget about him completely if I keep on bumping him. And plus I can't be sure that we can even be friends with each other after all these things had happened. It will be hard for me after all of this fairy tale that you've put me in. I was too busy thinking about you and I've gotten lazy because I was too in love with you and thinking about the future ahead of us. You're leaving me like this makes me feel so undefined and unsure about my feelings. But nevertheless thanks for all the memories that you've given to me. I'll cherish that until the end and hope you will get the girl that you like. And to the girl just treat him right and don't ever cheat on him or give him false hope again. He's actually worth it. Basically all I want to say is I’m crushed. Unlike the sentences that I’ve mentioned earlier, I might need to change it slightly. You’ve poached my heart and crushed it into million pieces. Deep in my heart wants you to regret what you’ve done to me but part of it want you back and another part of it wants to let go of you in a good and peaceful way. Hope you’ll enjoy your life after you’ve dumped me for good Adam. This is my last words for you, I love you but too bad you’re an arse. Ciao!